Not in the sense of me creating tales of being a princess or a witch (though those did occur as a child), but rather that I’ve been telling myself stories to confirm my biases or provide some comfort to what was causing me pain. She went on to explain that part of a coping mechanism I have engaged with throughout the entirety of my life is fantastical thinking. “Fantastical thinking.” She stated with a slight smile. ![]() I’m sure at this point my brow was furrowed and I blithely responded, “I’m sure I would I have friends, but I’m good being alone. She again listened quietly and after I finished speaking took a pause and asked me: “What about people?” I went on about the potential accolades and research in an exploding field, making a name for myself, the monetary gains, the lifestyle. She nodded along and listened and asked me to describe that life to her in detail. One day in therapy, I was speaking about my dream to be this untouchable, ineffable career woman who doesn’t need anyone and rises to the top of her field. ![]() This household dynamic has led to me developing relationships where I always have one foot out the door - telling myself that I always have an out and that they cannot hurt me when they inevitably do. I grew up in a home that made distrust more intrinsic than love, one in which to be anything but two steps ahead with a guard up at all time was to be as vulnerable as a newborn amidst prey. I’ve struggled with true, safe human connection for a long time. I’ve been going to therapy for a long time now, but I only recently starting seeing a new therapist who specializes in treatment modalities that best align with my needs. I thought of the stories in the sense of literary tales and fables, movies over decades, and the art we create - I didn’t think of it in the sense of fantastical thinking. ![]() When I first read this passage, I thought, as always, her writing was beautiful and profound. The late Joan Didion once wrote, “we tell ourselves stories in order to live”.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |